The Sex Contract: Every Happy Couple Has One!

Do you know that all couples have a sex contract? The sex contract could also be brazenly negotiated and settled, or it might be completely secret from each companion.

What’s a sex contract? A sex contract is a settlement between two companions about how sex is going to occur.

What’s in a Sex Contract?

Contract items embody who’s going to initiate sex, how usually the couple could have sex, what sorts of sex acts will happen, and what’s going to occur after sex. The contract may also embrace small particulars, resembling whether or not eyes will probably be open or closed, room lit or darkish, music on or off, and even whether or not lube and toys can be used.

Two Completely different Couples, Two Completely different Sex Contracts

Let’s check out two completely different couples, their sex contracts, and their sex lives, shall we?

Wendy and Lee’s Sex Contract

Wendy and Lee have by no means overtly mentioned their sex contract, which has been the same for a number of years:

We can have sex as soon as every week, rain or shine.

We are going to at all times brush our teeth and shower earlier sex.

We’ll keep lube by the mattress however we try to not need it.

For about every three times we have sex in the missionary position, we could have sex about once with Wendy on top.

If Wendy would not have an orgasm throughout intercourse, Wendy will use a vibrator on herself for release.

We are going to kiss afterward, say “I love you,” and fall asleep.

Julia and Tim’s Sex Contract

Julia and Tim openly focus on their sex contract frequently, and it evolves over time. Here’s what their contract appears like now:

Julie offers Tim a transparent sign that she is open to initiation and Tim does so, except he actually just isn’t in the mood. If that’s the case, he tells Julie and assures her that he’ll initiate as quickly as he’s rested, relaxed, feeling better, and so on.

Tim will let Julie know if he wants further stimulation to get aroused. Julie will perceive that this does not imply that Tim is not turned on by Julie, he simply desires extra foreplay for himself.

Julie decides if she wants lubricant. She will be able to select to make use of the costly luxurious model or a budget one she can drizzle freely.

They maintain a locked toy chest underneath the mattress. The secret is on the nightstand. Both of them can dangle the important thing to point out they wish to play.

Tim likes rear entry, Julie likes to face one another, so that they trade off and resolve what place they’d prefer to be in during climax.

If Julie would not orgasm, then she will be able to determine if and the way she’d like to come back.

Though Tim and Julie haven’t got a proper settlement, they let one another know if one thing is not working and discuss collectively to vary it.

The Drawback with Unstated Sex Contracts

Each contract is completely acceptable. However what if Wendy or Lee is sad? How would both companion know? What if one partner is afraid to say something as a result of the entire negotiation would possibly break down, and sex shall be off the desk? How will they deal with their sex life if issues change, like their bodies, their activate’s, their drives, or their obligations outside of the connection?

As I write this I’m wondering, do you end up pondering that couples like Julie and Tim aren’t real? Sure, they are! There are many couples that inform one another precisely what they like. How they end up in my practice is actual because one thing has gone flawed, like a most cancers prognosis or a misunderstanding about how sex modifications as we age. As soon as they understand, although, they normally adapt because there may be wonderful communication already in place.

What’s Your Sex Contract?

Do you have a sex contract that must be explored? Is it time to resume the present contract, or do you need to toss it and draw up a brand new one? Such conversations may be tough at first, however, change into easier with rehearsing. Strive negotiating one a part of your sex life first. As soon as that’s working better, negotiate for extra modifications.

In case, your sex life nonetheless is caught in neutral, get help. Sex is not rocket science! Change is feasible, however solely in case you are prepared to go for the sex you need.

Dr. Stephanie Buehler is a nationally identified psychologist and sex therapist, and Director of The Buehler Institute in Newport Seaside, CA. The Buehler Institute provides sex remedy for males, ladies, and couples, in addition to persevering with training for therapists and healthcare professionals. Dr. Buehler’s latest ebook is What Every Psychological Well-being Skilled Must Find out about Sex. Go to The Buehler Institute at to decide on your free e-book–both for couples or for professionals eager to study sex remedy.

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